Tag Archives: President

Is America Ready for its First Douche Bag President?

Mitt Romney is a Douche Bag.

Usually, I refrain from uncut ad hominem attacks, but fealty to high-minded discourse should not get in the way of calling a demonstrated douche a douche. And Mitt Romney is a douche bag. Terrorizing some poor classmate with long hair in your prep school is a douche move. Needlessly dissing the UK’s ability to pull off the summer Olympics and harshing Londoners desire to get into the Olympic spirit is douchey — especially when you refuse to see your wife’s hobby horse “Rafalca” (Rafalca sounds sort like a failed Renaissance figure. The Billy Preston or Syd Barret to Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michaelangelo — not quite Ninja Turtle worthy) do it’s weird tax deductible dressage waltzes. Insulting the Palestinians by saying they have an inferior economic culture comparable to the Israelis — while simultaneously tossing a “Shylock” libel towards the Jews for being *so* clever with finances — is a douche move (albeit with the possible merit of improving Middle East peace prospects by giving the Israelis and Palestinians a common enemy). Finally, being a multi-millionaire that refuses to disclose multiple years of tax returns, unlike every other modern Presidential candidate, even as you perform weird James Bond villain multi-national tax write off schemes is pure douchification.

Romney’s gaffes are different than the gaffes of chuckleheads like Generalissimo Bush. Bush’s gaffes were dumbass gaffes. Romney’s gaffes are mean gaffes. Hateful gaffes. They are the hectoring, curt putdowns of a bully too dense to realize the stench of his own obnoxiousness. Also known as, a Douche Bag.

So, why is Romney such a douche bag? Why was he such a mammoth douche on a foreign trip when all he had to do was mumble dull platitudes? Why is he an epic douche when elections are still popularity contests, he wants to be president, and tout les mondes destestes les douches?

The usually worthless Maureen Dowd has hypothesized that Romney inhabits a bubble wherein he is considered a kind, good man by his flunkies no many how many dogs he straps to the roof of the car and no matter how many jobs he eviscerates. That is part of the equation, but most prominent politicians are millionaires (although not as rich as Mittens and likely not born into such privilege) and most of them are not douches. JFK was fabulously rich, but he was not a douche. Just to be bipartisan®, I disagree with most of George Bush the First’s Presidency, but Herbert Walker the WWII paratrooper is not a douche.

No, the primary reason for Mitt Romeny’s douche baggery is obvious. It has been staring us in the face from the first: Mitt Romney does not drink alcohol and he never has.

Everyone is always trying to drink less and regrets the consequences of drinking too much. If drinking less is good then drinking none, ever, is better, right? Yet for something that is “bad” there are still packed bars and refrigerators swollen with fermented grain throughout the world. There are at least three breweries within a quarter mile radius of my home. People have been voting with their feet in favor of alcohol consumption since the dawn, and likely pre-dawn, of civilization. Booze is both Hogarth’s “Beer Street” and “Gin Lane,” but most people manage to stick to Beer Street.

There are many positive aspects of Beer Street drinking, but one of the primary ones is communication. Remember that dude you thought was a hopeless twerp your freshman year of high school that you chilled with at the kegger senior year? How about the random person at the bar you exchanged life stories with over several cans of Old German? Or the office adversary who is at least a “good guy to have beers with”? The person from a completely different culture that became your friend over Jager shots in College? Even the worthy political conversation that you had with an opposite-minded true believer at the corner tavern? Alcohol-lubed social interactions are the means which Americans, and most everyone else, lets down their guard to learn about dissimilar folks. In so doing, one also learns basic social graces of discovering more about someone without offending them — to probe without jabbing your finger on their bruises. This is the fundamental lesson in tact that the sheltered, cruel and dry Mittens has never undertaken. And it shows in each awkward “common guy” interaction he squanders and in each unnecessary douche bag utterance.

A teetotaler need not be a douche. Jimmy Carter was not a douche. But the mix of being born into power, possessing overwhelming wealth and having his taint ever-licked in his crony bubble along with the inability to perform bar stool chit-chat with others has rendered Mittens a major douche bag.

America is ready for its first Mormon President. Is America ready for its first Douche Bag President?

I hope not.

The Egypt Credit Countdown

Que the Conservatrons saying that Egypt’s peaceful, internal revolution that resulted in regime change was a direct result of Generalissimo Bush’s invasion of Iraq in T minus five… four… three… two… one….

This is one of those times when it is gratifying to have a real President and not a nepotistic dunce like Dubya’. I’m not entirely sure how, but one just senses that Generalissimo Bush would have blown this somehow. It’s tempting to say that Obama’s outreach to the Arab world, as exemplified by his speech in Cairo early in his presidency, provided some of the spark for this and the regime change in Tunisia. More likely, those revolts  and the crushed uprising in Iran, are more the result of a demographic wave of young people that are aware of the freedoms that most people have simply demanding them for themselves and their countrymen. I cannot pretend to be any manner of expert on these matters. Today anyway, the joyous scene in Egypt gladdens even the most cynical heart. And it was all done without a single American military boot on the ground or drop of blood in the sand.

Obama Appears to Choose the Eisenhower Model

Obama campaigned as a 21st century update of Andrew Jackson, but it appears that his model for governing is going to be Dwight David Eisenhower.

Obama and Ike are surprisingly similar. Ike was adored for being vital to winning World War II, but was a political ink blot. No one knew if he would run as a Democrat or Republican at first. Although he had to throw the Conservatrons of his day a bone by Veeping Nixon his administration was centrist to the point of being almost non-ideological — Nixon had almost no portfolio as VP (today Ike seems more Democrat than Republican). Obama is an obvious liberal, yet his calls for post-partisanship and his relatively thin voting record coupled with the acknowledged practice of others grafting their own aspirations onto his barrier breaking story makes Obama, oddly, a vague quantity akin to Ike despite Obama’s detailing of his policies in the 08 campaign.

Ike and Obama are both unlikely Presidents. Ike wasn’t a politician, but his military expertise was ideal for 1952 when the quagmire in Korea appeared unsolvable. Obama has less experience than most Presidents, but his newness and potential energy are the canvass on which the 2010s will be written; in 2008 Obama was the necessary redeemer for what Leonard Cohen calls America’s “spiritual thirst” in the bitter wake of the venal Bush occupation.

Eisenhower translated his novelty into action by delegating. Due to his dowdy public persona, Ike was criticized for being a hands off or even clueless president. We now know that he was intent and engaged behind the scenes. He took his military experience and applied it to his cabinet by giving his subordinates room to succeed and fail, while using the bully pulpit and the ceremonial aspect of the presidency to maintain his own personal popularity rather than trying to sway the polity to his vision, which was largely “post-partisan” anyway.

Obama has chosen more of a Team of Experts than a “Team of Rivals”. His cabinet includes sitting politicians like Salazar and Clinton with their own power bases and political capital. For the more technical work like energy and environmental policy (despite the broad passions stirred by these issues, actual work on them is all about nuances of details) Obama has chosen able technocrats that will be led by Carol Browner in a new energy/environment coordinator role. Vice-President Biden will be the point person on the economic stimulus activity.

Obama appears to be updating the Eisenhower Model by giving substantial ownership of policy to his cabinet members/subordinates, while largely staying above the fray himself. Hopefully, he will also use his preternatural talent as the greatest Persuasive Leader of his generation to create the space for his team to succeed.

This is brilliant politics for three reasons. 1.) Giving ownership of policy to subordinates makes Obama harder to hit. Early in the reign of the Bush junta Progressives were driven to distraction by the very visible Rumsfeld and Ashcroft, but Bush remained popular and Rumsfeld and Ashcroft only became unpopular when Bush did. The Public at large does not care about Secretaries, but ideologues do. By leading with his subordinates Obama will force the Conservatrons to swing wildly to try to hit him. Their foolish fixation on trying to link Obama to Blagojevich is an early example of this and has, of course, been a massive FAIL. Subsequent attempts by Conservatrons will be cat-chasing-tail exercises because scandalmongering for the sake of scandalmongering does not reflect the seriousness of the times, but Obama’s “no red America, no blue America, just the United States of America” trope does. That the Conservatrons have completely abandoned this high ground is astounding in its stupidity 2.) When Obama does stake political capital on a policy outcome it is more likely to be effective and decisive because it will occur relatively rarely and only after his subordinate has spent his or her political capital. 3.) Everyone prefers a boss that does not micromanage. I imagine that one of the reasons that Obama’s campaign was so tight is that he let his people do their part their way. Obama is more likely to win the devotion of his Team of Experts by following Eisenhower’s model.

Eisenhower’s governing style was not a complete success. After his heart attack in his second term Ike appeared to lose some control of his administration and it became mired in silly scandals and transgressions. The Republicans got trounced in the 1958 mid-terms. The U2 Spy Plane incident seemed to be a sign of Ike’s detachment. Still, when all was said and done and remembered Ike was popular and maintained the Leadership necessary to make a credible warning about the Military-Industrial Complex in his farewell address.

Team Obama is filled clever, able people that are also keen students of history. I think they can perform even better than Team Eisenhower.

Chicago Obamas 7 Arizona McSames 2. Democrats Win President Washington's Cup!

FIVE GOAL THIRD PERIOD TURNS TIGHT CONTEST INTO ROUT

After upsetting the Newyarkansas Clintons in the eight overtime of Game 57 in their best 29 out of 57 series to capture the Democratic Conference Championship the Chicago Obamas were strong favorites against the Conservatron Conference Champion Arizona McSames. The Democratic Conference had been outperforming the Conservatron Conference all year. Even though the McSames’ run to the Finals was swift after they recovered from poor play in the quarterfinals, their competition was weak whereas the Obamas emerged from, arguably, the strongest and deepest field in Democratic Conference history.

The talent gap was evident from the drop of the puck. The Obamas scored on their first rush up ice on a patented tic-tac-toe Obama Great Speech to start the general campaign. On the next shift, the Obamas caught the McSames’ Lobbyists skating through the neutral zone with their head done. The Obamas delivered a devastating, Stevensesque clean open ice hit on the Lobbyists by noting that their presence was contrary to the McSames’ famous rhetoric. The McSames’ Lobbyists were concussed out of the game and the referees were forced to pick their teeth off the ice like so many wayward Chiclets.

The McSames’ strategy relied heavily on the Lobbyists’ efforts. The Obamas continued to dominate play and it appeared that it was just a matter of time before they broke the game wide open. The McSames made it to the Finals by adapting, however, and they brought in Steve Schmidt off waivers from the Texas Bushes to change their strategy. Schmidt cut down on the McSames sloppy play and established a forecheck by noting that the Obamas had limited direct foreign policy experience. After a few strong shifts the McSames got too aggressive with their talking point. The McSames careless use of their stick by noting that the Obamas had not visited several foreign countries drew blood and the Obamas were awarded a four minute power play. The Obamas applied constant presure on the first half of the power play and finally scored off a rebound with Obama’s Foreign Tour to take a 2-0 first period lead into the locker room.

The McSames retooled their attack in the intermission and shocked the Obama’s by springing an advertisment short-handed breakaway. The McSames scored five hole with the Celebrity Commercial to cut the Obamas’ lead in half. The unexpected goal appeared to rattle the Obamas, and while the McSames were not generating much offense, they were exceeding expectations by keeping the score close. Despite the Obamas’ almost supernatural talent, by the mid-point of the contest it had become clear that they could not polish off the McSames without the tough, down-low, home spun “grinding,” cycling and forechecking game perfected by the Newyarkasas Clintons that had produced the last National Presidential League champions from the Democratic Conference in 1992 and 1996.

The Obamas successfully integrated the Clintons into their attack during the Democratic Convention. The new teammates produced several strong shifts, and long periods of puck possession, but could not score another goal. Obama’s Convention Speech hit the post.

The McSames immediately reversed the Obamas’ Convention momentum by calling up a little known right-winger named Sarah Nilap from the Melting Tundra League’s Wasilla Meth Houses. Although the Wasilla Meth Houses are a Conservatron Conference farm team, the young phenom had impressed drunken Conservatron scouts with her nice Talent & Acumen for pleasant blathering laced with distilled hatred. The unexpected entrance of Nilap on the first-line as Vice-Presidential Candidate and her controversial family and personal history upended the contest and turned it into a penalty fest. The McSames took control of this narrative in their Convention and produced a goal on a one-timer from the top of the right circle with Nilap’s VP Acceptance Speech. The contest was tied heading into the third period.

The McSames emerged from the intermission with momentum and carried play for the first time in the entire contest, producing scoring chances on  every shift. Their best opportunity came on the Lipstick On A Pig one-timer from the blue line. Several spectators thought the shot had gone in, however, the Obamas’ goalie got a glove on it at the last moment by pointing out its conceptual abusrdity. The play was reviewed for two news cycles before the pundits declared that it glanced off the goalie’s glove, hit the cross bar, and sailed out of play.

The Obamas’ caught a break as the McSames shot the puck over the glass by declaring the “fundamentals of the economy are strong” in the face of the Great Economic Collapse. The McSames flailed about in the ensuing penalty kill, changing their strategy on an almost moment by moment basis. The Obamas kept the puck in the economic zone, and wore out the McSame’s defense finally scoring over the blocker on a give and go with their Understanding Of The Great Economic Collapse.

By this point the Obama’s had figured out that Nilap had good political instincts, but poor fundamentals. Rather than pressing Nilap and allowing her to react using her raw politicism, they forced her to make plays. The new strategy paid off as Nilap muffed a routine break out pass and banked the puck into her own net off a McSame defenseman’s skate by Being A Moron In The Katie Couric Interview. Nilap’s effectiveness was permanently marred by the mistake, and the Obama’s had a 4-2 lead.

The McSames understood that the contest was getting away from them and tried to change the momentum. McSame’s call to “suspend” his campaign forced off-setting penalties and the first four on four play of the contest. Although McSame initiated the four on four, it played directly into Obama’s strength of mental acuity, calmness, and economic understanding. McSame’s strategic errors during the four-on-four led to an easy two on one goal for the Obama’s by Displaying Superior Leadership In Crisis and a 5-2 lead.

The Obamas scoring outburst left the McSames with no choice but to play dirty. A series of high-sticks, elbows, trips, and dives by bringing up tenuous negative Obama associations excited the Conservatron partisans, but failed to intimidate the Obamas. The Obamas erased all doubt in the contest by putting home a backhander off a goal mouth scrum by Winning Every Debate and going up 6-2.

There were only five minutes left in the elimination game. With nothing to lose the McSame’s pulled their goalie for “‘Joe’ the ‘Plumber’” another unknown call up from the Ohio Delusional League. The McSame’s picked up the hitting, and kept the puck in the Obamas’ zone, but they did not get any more serious scoring chances. The Obamas iced the game with an empty net goal from Colin Powell’s Endorsement. The Obamas’ army of volunteers made no mistake in the closing seconds, fighting hard to the end despite the overwhelming lead.

As the buzzer sounded euphoria blossomed throughout the land like a thousand starbursts. After eight years of heartbreak and despair starting with the Texas Bushes controversial “chad in the crease” victory in the year 2000, the Democrats had at last regained President Washington’s Cup!

Chicago Obamas 7   Arizona McSames 2

Scoring Summary

First Period:

Obamas (1) :33, Obama Great Speech (McSame Green Screen, History Making); Obamas (2) 19:22, Obama World Tour (Power Play) (Foreign Enthusiasm, Media Excitement)

Second Period

McSames (1) :10, Celebrity Commercial (Short Handed) (Starlets, Complicit Media); McSames (2) 18:43 Nilap VP Acceptance Speech (Melodrama, Speechwriter).

Third Period

Obamas (3) 2:32, Understanding of Great Economic Collapse (Power Play) (Calmness, Reason); Obamas (4) 7:11, Nilap Being A Moron In Katie Couric Interview (Tina Fey Impression, Blogosphere); Obamas (5) 10:00, Displaying Superior Leadership In Crisis (Intelligence, Planning); Obamas (6) 14:33, Winning Every Debate (Unflappability, Joe Biden); Obamas (7) 18:01, Colin Powell Endorsement (Empty Net) (Call For National Unity, Intelligence).

Attendance – 115 Million

2008 National Presidential League Trophies

Conn Smythe Trophy – Barack Obama

Hart Trophy – Barack Obama

Lady Byng Trophy – Michelle Obama

Calder Trophy – Sarah Nilap

Art Ross Trophy – Obama Ground Game

Vezina Trophy – Hillary’s Establishment Support

Norris Trophy – Bill Clinton

Selke Trophy – Joe Biden

Masterson Trophy – Hillary Clinton

Maurice ‘Rocket’ Richard Trophy – Barack Obama

Jack Adams Trophy – David Plouffe and David Axelrod

Holik Trophy – Joe Lieberman

Bring on the Conservatron Hate Machine!

Bush Patsy McCain is pulling out of Michigan. Remember back at the start of the general election campaign how Bush Patsy McCain was going to put New York, Massachusetts, and New Jersey in play? Remember how Nilap was supposed to make Oregon and Washington State competitive again? In the immortal words of Elroy Jetson: “Eep-op-orp Uh Uh” and that means “hell no!”

Where Kerry had to sweat Oregon, New Jersey and even Hawaii Bush Patsy McCain must now defend North Carolina, Virginia and Indiana. Obama has pulled ahead in New Hampshire in recent days and is winning Pennsylvania. The only other Kerry state that may be close is Minnesota. Meanwhile, Obama has strong leads in New Mexico and Iowa. This means that any one of Virginia, Ohio, North Carolina, Indiana, Florida, West Virginia, Colorado, Missouri, or Nevada puts Obama/Biden over the top (although just a West Virginia or Nevada would result in an unsavory 269-269 tie Win).

Conservatron prostates are tickled because Nilap managed to mouth her verbal lobotomy at the VP debate without being possessed by a witch, but again, no one else cares about how she is avoiding an evil media filter. Disliking Katie Couric, Gwen Ifill and David Letterman doesn’t help pay the mortgage. Having a VP that must be sequestered and handled and cannot be a typical surrogate is a tremendous weakness. As much as Nilap may have “fired up the base” there is strong observational evidence that the Bush Patsy McCain ground game is not nearly as intense or robust as Obama’s. The money that Obama put into his field offices instead of advertising in the summer is paying off now.

Predictably, Bush Patsy McCain is going pure negative. HRC “threw the kitchen sink” in a similar circumstance. And it worked. The confounding factors were that Obama needed the HRC voters so he could not respond in kind. The ideological differences were minute, leaving little substance to disagree over. Obama also had to simultaneously contend with Bush Patsy McCain with one hand. Most importantly, Clinton/Clinton were far more formidable than Bush Patsy McCain/Nilap are. The Conservatrons will play the Association Card with Ayers and Reverend Wright as much as possible. Obama needs to stay cool, focus on the economy, and counter punch by bringing up Bush Patsy McCain’s random, weird Diva behavior, terrible proposals, Bush Patsyness, and history of lousy judgment. I still also think that Obama gains stature points from less attentive voters (who are often the undecideds) that are now starting to focus on the election just by being his able self at the debates.

Beyond that though, I wonder if the Conservatron Hate Machine is as powerful as it was four years ago. Consider the recent fake controversy over Gwen Ifill’s supposed bias towards Obama/Biden because of a book she is writing about black politicians post-Obama. This was a Nixonland classic: anti-”elitism” mixed with hints of quiet racism, and an elbow thrown at the media to boot. And it wiffed. It never made it past the Conservatron echo chamber to establish an MSM narrative. Methinks there are three reasons for this: 1.) There is enough of a liberal echo chamber now (the Netroots + Air America + Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow) to at least put the counter-argument that everyone knew about the Ifill book two months ago into the MSM. 2.) The media is more diffuse so it is harder to insert narratives into it than it was four years ago. 3.) No one cares! As I’ve been arguing for months, US versus THEM backlashes predicated on the upheavals of 1968 are not relevant to the problems of 2008. Ifill was equally worthless as a moderator as Jim Lehrer was, Biden wiped the floor with Nilap and Obama continues to gain slightly in the national tracking polls each day.

Oh, and with Bush Patsy McCain surrendering the field Obama gets to redirect most of his Michigan resources too!